“Wanna hang out on Friday?”
And the words seem to grow little barbs and stab you right in the chest. Because you know who said it. And you know it wasn’t to you.
You turn towards your left side, spotting smiling classmates (friends) fervently discussing a possible meet-up and you tell yourself to ignore it, to throw up another wall to block the blow from reaching your heart but you know you can’t do it any more. Not after so long. Not after trying so damn hard and thinking damn, I finally made it. Well, look. You didn’t make it. And you’re no ----ing where close.
It’s such a small matter to others, you know you shouldn’t really be crying but you bite your trembling lip because you know if there’s something you are close to, it’s that. It's breaking down and hugging yourself in a ball and letting the bitter tears trickle down in a never-ending stream because you can’t take it any more. You pretend it doesn’t matter, you pretend you’re going to make it one day but you know you damn well can’t and you’re tired of trying to reach out for something not there, sick of the “reaching out for the stars” thing because you know by the time you come anywhere close, the fire ball’s just going to explode, implode, whatever it is and the journey you knew was stupid from the start would really prove meaningless.
All you want to do is feel like you belong.
Why is that so ----ing hard?
You want to know that people out there really care, that friends think of you as a friend, that you’re not just trying to force-fit yourself into a beautiful completed puzzle piece that actually doesn’t even need you. You want to know you’re part of this, that you’ve always been part of this, that you actually have friends and that you haven’t been lying to yourself about that for you don’t know how long, that it really isn’t some illusion you put up, a blindfold of your own doing, that it’s real. You want to know that people want your company, that when they’re deciding on where to hang out during the holidays you’re on that list of friends they actually want to spend time with, that you’ve finally managed to go further in a social relationship than staying strangers.
But what you want, you don’t always get.
And you really don’t want to be reminded about that now.
It’s just that…you’re never really sure. Sometimes, you think you’ve really made it and yet reality chooses at that point to show you something else, to make you rethink the thought of achievement and ponder on whether it just pulled away a curtain and showed you the truth. You really don’t know but you’re in such a (fragile?) state that just the smallest of implications damn well gets to you and you’re scared you lost it all (insecure). Or perhaps, you never even had anything.
And you really thought you came really close this time and yet the cynical part of you really questions if you really did. And you’re just so tired of being so far away from it that you’re actually never sure and you just want to be sure for once. You just want to feel like you belong, a strong sense of belonging to sooth the heart that yearns for it. You want to know you’re not alone.
And sometimes, you think hey, you’re not the only one having this problem but then you ask yourself so what?. And so far, you haven’t got the answer to that one.
Sometimes you just feel so close and yet there are many, many things that prove you’re not, ample evidence to illustrate to yourself that they’re friends among themselves, sure, but not with you. Never with you. That you’ll never be able to get close enough because you just don’t know how. That that was something others were born with but just not you. That it’s never going to happen. You know you’ve repeated that over and over again but it’s just so true in your mind you can’t get it out. And then that overwhelming sense that it’s really, honestly never going to happen just pounces on you and swallows you up and you cry or come close to it and there’s really only one thing you can think about, one thing you want, one thing you’re not going to get-
To belong.
And it ----ing hurts.
