Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Mirrors


Because I was running out of inspiration and was tired of people not reading my tumblr. Hence, the copy and paste from it. Pfft. 
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“Have you ever wondered,” He asks, picking up the fragile piece of glass, looking at it sparkle in the middle of his palm like a tiny crystal, “What things would be like if our look, our life, our allocated role in this world, was based entirely on our personality?”
“Doesn’t that already happen, to some extent?” She questions and lightly touches one of the many mirrors that surround them, reflecting weird, broken up images of the two. 
He chuckles (though there is something dark about this laugh of his) and mutters something she doesn’t understand - but his tone suggests he is mocking her - and strides towards the largest mirror in the room, that little piece of glass still glittering on his open palm. 
“Not really,” He answers and his breath fogs up the glass of the mirror he is standing so close to, “That’s why we have mirrors, don’t we? We don’t like to look deep, to discover what horrible things dwell inside us. We like to take things at face value. We like to look at ourselves in the mirror and claim we’re good people, just because we haven’t done, say, absolutely terrible and horrendous things like murder. We like to leave it at that, at the things that float on top, the things we can easily see. We don’t need to look any further because it’s not like anyone else can see that far down either….But if our personalities were right on top, right in front of us and everyone else, part of our skin and part of our life and destiny…Would that not make things clearer?”
He turns to look at her with those piercing eyes of his and she finds that she cannot move. She cannot speak. 
He smirks, “It’s your choice, I guess.” And he tosses the piece of glass to her and she somehow manages to catch it before it falls.
“Your choice, your choice,” He taunts her and then strolls out of the room, leaving her stunned and wondering, just wondering about it all. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

August 12th


Curled up into a ball, I could see the blood as it poured out in gushes from the wound, tears staining the face and hands holding shakily, the pair of scissors from the table beside me. I could see the swift motion in which I plunged it into my abdomen, cringed in pain and then lay there, waiting for help to come, or death, which ever chose to arrive first. I could see the crimson, splashing out like a fountain or dripping out like a leaky tap, depending on how I chose to cut myself. I could see it all, huddled in that little ball, arms around knees, crying, crying, crying…

My mouth was open, shouting out silent protests, silent complains, “I’m tired of this, I don’t want to do this anymore” and I believed it all, I went along with it. I was tired, exhausted…frustrated. I wanted to give up, suicidal  thoughts…What if I just end it now? I knew it was wrong, I damn well knew but all I could think of then was “My life is shit. ” It’s not the worst life to have but at that point, that was all I thought of, tears flowing down like a river through the cracks in my mind. I was broken, I was exhausted, I wanted a place to lie down and rest but instead received a blow to my head. I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to continue, I was tired. Tired.

And I’m just so scared now, when sober, that it’ll happen again and I won’t be able to control myself. I need as much care as I get during this fragile phase but the people around me just don’t understand. I need their help, not their rage, not their shouts. I need their love. I need their appreciation.