Heartless

I don't need this. I don't want this. I didn't ask for this.

Leave me alone. Just leave my thoughts alone, leave my dreams alone, leave my heart alone. Leave. Just leave.

I don't need you to pop up in my mind all the time-on the bus, solving algebra, while reading...it's irritating and childish. Can't you see I need time by myself, away from you? I don't need to connect everything I see to you. The guy on the MRT with the same school uniform, how you cringe when the word "math" is said, how the book character acts exactly like you, or exactly unlike you.

I don't need you to interuppt my sleep, fill my head with bright, meaningless dreams and fantasies when all I want is some darkness to soothe my tired body. I don't need to wake up with a sense of emptiness as my eyes scan the room and you're nowhere to be found. I don't need to feel sad when I realise it was just a dream, not real, never happened.

Most of all, I don't need you to take control over my heart. It's mine. Freaking give it back.

I hate how I can't help it when I tilt my body to find the best position to stare at you across the classroom. I hate how I strain my eyes to catch your relaxed figure at the back as the school bus drives away and you head home. I hate how I'm like a satellite, always floating around you and  having to follow you, even if it means walking a million miles.

I hate how my heart rate increases whenever you're near me, how you snatch my composure and toss it into the nearest bin. I hate how you take away my words, my voice when you're looking in my direction, even if it's to wink at the pretty girl behind me. I hate how you suddenly have control over me when you're around and how you don't know and don't care about that. I hate it. I hate you.

I never needed this. I never wanted this. I never asked for this.

So leave me and my heart alone. It's MY heart.